11:11, today's updates & tomorrow's plan
I am writing this in a café. 11:11, it's called, a make a wish banner conspicuously displayed in bright neon signs (I thought it was sweet, and I made a wish to be in good health for years to come). The upper floor is my psychiatrist’s office. I wasn’t planning on posting anything today, but I have a lot to process. So, let’s think out loud, shall we?
I think it was obvious from my last posts I wasn’t doing well. I made significant progress last month, but everything came crashing down the past weeks. I was fighting a battle I was rapidly losing. I ended up seeing my psychiatrist, though money is tight.
I love this clinic. My psychiatrist has adorned the waiting room with a chaotic display of colorful posters, rare words in English, inspirational quotes, and art. It makes me feel inspired in a way. He also has a Wall of Appreciation, where patients leave him short letters of gratitude. I will make sure to leave him something nice next time.
During my session, he ran me through a series of questions: How are you? How is the medication? Are you functioning better now? I told him I am not doing well anymore. We discussed a potential diagnosis for BPD. I was exhibiting clear symptoms of emotional imbalance, he said. He used jargon like fear of abandonment, intense moods, unstable relationships that I found intimidating. I am not getting an official diagnosis just yet.
I saw this coming, I thought to myself, because the reason I went there in the first place was due to a pattern of unstable relationships. He upped my antidepressants dose and scheduled me a session in September.
Before leaving, I gave him a small gift. It was a drawing – a mastercopy of Guercino’s Angel of Annunciation that I sketched out in rich-black, messy charcoal during work when I had quite a lot of time in my hands. His reaction made me feel so warm. I love giving people I am appreciative of drawings. It feels like I am giving them a part of me, a piece of my heart. Sometimes I wish I can give everyone a drawing so they remember me forever.
I am skipping work tomorrow. I know it’s counterproductive, as to get better you have to put yourself out there, but I need a break. I am thinking of seeing the sunrise on the sea. I haven’t been to the sea in so long. I think of lying on the sand, hot from the blazing sun. I think of the sea, sparkling, beautiful, pulsing rhythmically and breathing with cadence. I will take Murakami’s Norwegian Wood with me, which I am halfway through. I will provide a brief review at the end of this month.
I think that’s all. This was more of a stream of consciousness than anything else (hence the random title), but there was a lot I wanted to share with you.