am i too self-aware?
Two years ago, I used to meet with a professional counsellor every week. I had pushed myself into the classic academic overachiever burnout, from years of relentlessly high performance, unrealistic expectations, and not enough rest. I needed someone to talk to.
One thing my counsellor often accentuated was my self-awareness. Or, more accurately: my hyper self-awareness. Of course, that made me feel good about myself. I felt validated - I am someone who gets it, who can articulate my feelings and trace its origins.
I started contemplating the question: am I too self-aware?, when I realized that all our sessions were following the exact same rhythm. I would articulate a feeling, name that emotion, and pinpoint the root cause - all by myself. Throughout the session, I would also predict how my counsellor was going to respond. "I am afraid of failure," I would admit, and before she could jump in with her explanation, I would have already cut in: ". . .Because growing up I was programmed that love was earned through achievements."
Going to these sessions started feeling a bit pointless (looking back at it, it really wasn't). And, frankly, it made me infuriated, because if I know why I am feeling that way, why aren't I getting better? Why am I still struggling? That gap, between knowing and healing, was frustrating.
I believe everyone needs to possess some degree of self-awareness. We need to be in conscious tune with our feelings, thoughts, and actions: How am I feeling today? Why am I suddenly feeling angry? Do my actions align with my values?
But too much self-awareness — when it turns into a ceaseless over-analysis of our lives — becomes noise. These days, I am trying to quiet the endless commentary in my mind, to stop dissecting every single emotion and understand its cause. Healing isn't always about figuring everything out. Not everything needs to be over-explained or resolved on the spot. Maybe it should be about giving ourselves permission to feel, without the urgency to fix it all. Sometimes we should just let ourselves be.