how much of my anger is justified?
I will be honest with you. I have been uncharacteristically avoiding writing for the past few days. Despite the maelstrom of intense emotions I have been facing, I can't seem to coax out any of those feelings onto coherent words - which means I have been avoiding Bear, my journal, and my commonplace.
This is perhaps due to some unresolved anger deep inside me. I know what I am doing is not ideal. It is during these moments of unresolved feelings that I need to seek an outlet. Hence this post.
I have been feeling dissociative lately. I am here but not really here. People, objects, surroundings - around me but lightyears away from me, like I am gazing somewhere beyond my present. Stretches of days amalgamate into one, so that I can't differ yesterday from today. Vague snippers of hours and colors and sounds, but none of it feels real to me. I hate when that happens, because once I am in this state, it is difficult to return to the present.
Sometimes I am proud of myself for how much I have survived, how much I persevered. But there are times when I can't help but feel angry: did I really have to go through what I went through? What for? I know that's my depression speaking on behalf of me. So I guess it started as anger, then despair, then nothing.
I also wonder how much of my anger is justified. Do I have the rights to be this angry at my past, or am I being unreasonable at this point - that after all these years I can't seem to forget? But if an upsetting situation evoked in me certain emotions, shouldn't I validate these feelings, because it is simply how that situation made me feel?
(But perhaps it's not about whether my anger is justified or not, but rather acknowledging and the emotions I feel. Maybe the anger is a sign that I still need to process and heal from my past.)
Anyway, I am probably rambling here, going nowhere with my thoughts. Despite my nonsensical quandry, I think it's important to externalize your rage and jumbled thoughts somewhere. Even if no one understands.