i am glad i am leaving the house
I thought it was absurd, generic advice, when my psychiatrist urged me to leave the house. You aren't getting better because you keep ostracizing yourself in this little bubble, he would chide me. I wanted to oppose - No, this is a chemical imbalance in my brain. What are you on about? I would nod politely instead.
This morning, a familiar melancholy settled over me. I wasn't surprised. I've been gradually tapering off my anti-depressants, which often triggers a cascade of unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. It's been a year, and now that I am under less external stress, it felt the time to quit. (Will the old me return? I don't think so, at least not with the same weight I once carried. The person I am today is finally living for herself.)
The worst thing a depressed person can do is isolate themselves, and that's precisely what depression urges you to do: shut the world out and wither away in your room. Today, I pushed back. I visited an art exhibition, an exquisite hybrid of gallery, cafe, and flower shop tucked in the city's loveliest areas.
I sought a seat and sketched away for a long time. I was approached by someone, who I soon learned was the architect and art director of the space. He leafed through my sketches, lingered on certain pages, and commended my style of charcoal sketches. He said would love to stay in touch, perhaps even become involved in a future exhibition.
I contemplated the version of myself who never left the room - slowly fading, wishing I didn't have to face life. Missing opportunities like this, because depression had convinced me to lock myself away. I know it is easier said than done, but when you are in the depth of that aching, suffocating despair, go outside. You don't have to go anywhere extravagant or far. Heck, you don't even have to talk to anyone. Just take one step beyond the threshold.
I don't often trust myself to give out advice, but on this, I speak from experience. Challenge yourself to step outside just for a minute, or two. Almost always, you'll stay longer than you planned. And feel a little more alive than you thought you could. Who knows? Maybe you'll also be met with an opportunity that will make you glad you made it this far.