I destroyed my life to create a new one
In the first half of 2024, I suffered from a depressive episode that sent me to hell and back. I will not provide further explanation, but I ended up wrecking a relationship that mattered to me, refused to go work for days, and engaged in erratic behavior. That part of my life is a blur. I blocked out half of it. But to me, it meant something.
Before you continue, this will not be an inspirational post in any way. I have posted my fair share of self-development blogposts, but this is not one of them. But I allow you to take it as such, if you wish.
Maybe they were right. You cannot go up again unless you have seen the depths of hell. Maybe that moment of hell was the turning point for me. The start of a metamorphosis, or in a less euphemistic term, what I would call a destruction.
The Law of Destruction - Everything must be destroyed so that it may be renewed.
You exist in dichotomies, my therapist would say. You exist in black and white. Your reactions are always in extreme ends. I laughed to myself after such epiphany and later thought to myself: What if I used my dichotomy to my benefit, just for once? What if I went to the extreme end, once and for all, and destroyed every bit of my life to build a new one?
No, I did not just want to "fix" or "uncover" what's wrong with me. I wanted to destroy everything. I had nothing to lose, when I felt like I have lost everything.
And so I tore down everything in my life. I eradicated it, destroyed it bit by bit until there was nothing left. I was tearing chunks of concrete from a thick wall, watching it dissolve, a new life slowly, slowly, slowly emerging beyond it.
What I called a destruction was my transformation.
The first few days after my destruction were blurry, hazy. I spent it thinking for days. I had a constant nagging in my head, a mantra: You're going to have to save yourself. I imagined myself in a lonely, vacant room, where there was nothing and nobody except me. Where do I start now? How do I build the life I want from scratch? How do I save myself?
Maybe I am still not sure. (I told you - this is not an inspirational post. I destroyed everything, but I did not create my life over night.) But there was one thing I knew - I wanted to tranquilize the rage I have had inside me for years. Instead of a sea of fire, I only wish it morphs into a field of flowers.
And I wanted to be me. I wanted my voice to be my voice, not my mental illness, not a voice made up of the people who want me to be something I am not. I wanted to be me and only me.
My journey of renewal will be a long one, but this time I know I am ready. Will it be too high for my hands to reach? I wonder.