i gave my depression one month
Towards the end of May, I promised myself I would give this life my all for one month. Just for one month, I told myself. If I still can't find myself gaining control of depression, then I can give up, but at least I would have given up contently knowing I tried.
Last night, I was unable to sleep (unfortunately, insomnia seems to be a common side effect in antidepressants). I stared up the ceiling aimlessly, and pondered, A month has passed. Even more. I am still the same. What changed?
I was clearly anxious and upset throughout the day, because I skipped work too. I told myself I deserved a break, but deep down I knew I was lying to myself. The break was an excuse. I actually wanted to run from work and people and from existing in general. Because, after a month, I felt like nothing changed.
But then I got so mad at myself for thinking that nothing has changed. I am trying - trying to make my way through life despite the bullshit that this sickness keeps trying to feed me with. And perhaps that's all what matters.
So I got out of bed out of bitterness, whipped my journal out, and wrote any good thing that I managed to do this month. I came up with a few, and maybe my shitty chemical make-up will not let me acknowledge the good things, they still happened.
I started a Bearblog. I finished a sketch for the first time since January, even if I am having a difficult time experiencing any kind of pleasure from a hobby I loved so much. I am actively trying to seek out people even when I feel like I am faking it. I started journaling and writing a lot, filling pages and pages with ink. I started getting back on reading, particularly essays because that's all I can handle now.
Compared to four weeks ago, I am doing. Even if I don't feel a bit of pleasure, contentment, or happiness, I am still trying to live.
I gave it one month, and now I am challenging myself to make it to another one. Maybe I will post another update. I feel like it would be interesting to give monthly updates about my battle with depression. Maybe it will give me motivation to keep doing things, so I can write about them in my next update.
And maybe this is what life is about. Giving it one more day, week, month. Every time you feel like giving up, tell yourself you will make it for one more day. And if this one more day didn't work out, give it another day. Then another. Keep going till you have survived more days than you would have imagined. I don't know what it's like for normal people not to question their existence every single day, but giving it "just another day" seems to work for me. Maybe it will work for you too.