i spend too much time thinking about time
I spend an inordinate amount of time merely contemplating time. I don’t inhabit the present as fully as I want to. Too often, I’m only partially here, while my mind runs two parallel loops: one assesses if I have used my time well, the other wonders if now is the right time to begin at all.
They are ponderous with judgement and reluctance: Was this day productive enough? Did I waste too much of it? Could I have done more, been better? Should I start now or wait until I am more prepared, more deserving of this moment?
What I didn't realize is how these two mindsets feed each others. The more I scrutinize the past, the more I hesitate to act in the present - out of fear of future regret. The more I wait for the right moment, the more I look back and ruefully wonder why I didn't start sooner.
It's a perpetual cycle rooted in the same quiet fear that I might misuse the only time I have. And yet, in a strange paradox, it's in trying too hard to guard this time that I am losing it.
Now, I am actively trying to approach time differently, to stop treating it like a scarce commodity. Time is not a currency: it can't be saved or invested for later. It will move with or without my permission. The present is always here, steady and waiting, and I should soak in it before it's gone.