i'm avoiding the responsibility of my own life
I have a (notorious) obsession for picking at my brain. I analyze, contextualize, trace patterns backwards until I can say oh, this is where it came from (Does naming something gives me control over it?). That was probably the biggest reason I started Bear 1.5 years ago. I wanted to understand myself and gain clarity.
Recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve been avoiding responsibility of my whole life: relationships, career search, hobbies, self-care. I felt strangely indifferent and chose to numb myself out with ceaseless scrolling instead. When I’m going through a hard time, I feign that my life is happening to someone else. I am a mere spectator, and it’s none of my business.
When I step back, my life currently feels like the aftermath of a storm, like a house reduced to scattered debris, shards of glass, and overturned furniture. I overwhelmingly stare at this dumpster fire and ponder – from where do I even start when everything needs rebuilding?
I think the first step is understanding why I’m ignoring my life. I know it’s because I’m going through a difficult time, but I’ve also learned that avoidance often triggers dopamine release. Avoidance means we are trying to end something we find painful or dreadful, and the relief that follows (dopamine signaling this helped!) is what the brain rewards. No wonder it feels so wickedly good to avoid being alive.
Understanding this softens my shame and reframes my avoidance as something learned, not broken. My nervous system isn’t sabotaging me (I hope so) but is keeping me afloat when effort feels tantamount to pain. Still, awareness introduces responsibility, and once I see avoidance for what is, I have to decide how long I should stay there.
How do you fix an aftermath of a storm, you ask? One tiny progress at a time.