july notes
July has almost come to an end. It has been a long month, that's for sure. I have achieved significant strides in various areas, but fell back in others. That's life, after all: constant ups and downs.
Shall we wrap up this month with some notes and reflections?
I have been grappling with loneliness. Though it's been over four years since I moved to this country, I am still struggling to find a community I belong to. How do I suppress this loneliness, you ask? By keeping myself insanely productive throughout July. In a way, that worked for my favor, because I ended up accomplishing substantial progress when it came to my creative projects. I produced vastly of what I like to call great work. It is crazy how being busy puts my mind off things.
For example, I wrote so much this month. My commonplace notebook, journal, Bearblog - you name it. I produced over 10 blogposts on Bearblog for July, a goal I was determined to fulfill. I felt like I experimented quite a lot with my writing style, too. Diary entries, creative pieces (I am inspired by Haruki Murakami when it comes to these), and my takes on productivity. While I enjoy writing whatever comes to mind, sometimes I worry what readers might prefer more. I vigorously push those thoughts away, though, and remind myself that the reason I started this blog was to have a creative outlet for myself. I shouldn't feel bounded by these thoughts (But, honestly, I enjoy writing my monthly notes the most! I am thinking of introducing weekly notes too.)
I also drew like crazy, almost on a daily basis. This is by far my greatest achievement. Since the start of 2024, I had the goal to make drawing a habit. Bored in my internship? No worries, I will sketch my surroundings. Doomscrolling? I whip out my Moleskine and produce mastercopies of artists I look up to, like Sebastiano Ricci and Gioavanni Battista.
Aside from my projects, a lot is happening. I am in the middle of moving dorms, packing and unpacking. I finish my internship in three days. I received an unexpected offer to be a part-time safety trainer in a reputable training institute around my area (we will see how that works out). In the midst of everything, I don't have time for anything else.
This month I read Norwegian Wood by Murakami, which I found an absolutely beautiful read. It made me nostalgic for times and places I never experienced. Love, coming of age, loneliness, death - Murakami encapsulated all these themes into a masterpiece.
July also marked my third month on antidepressants, too. My mental health was my biggest setback this month, though I made notable improvements in June. While I incessantly remind myself that recovery isn't linear, I couldn't help but feel disappointed with myself. I am trying to be more gentle with myself, because battling high-functioning depression and symptoms of personality disorder is not easy, and the fact I determinedly chose to confront my illnesses is an accomplishment in itself.
My medication makes me constantly dissociative, but I find it alleviating the extreme emotional imbalance I tend to experience throughout the day. It is like my brain suddenly went quiet. I no longer go from make-believe to insanely depressed. Actually, I don't feel anything most of the time. So a win is a win, I guess? But my psychiatrist has been extra supportive of me. He checks on me regularly. I was also pleasantly surprised to know he now displays the drawing I gifted him on his office desk! Sometimes it's the small things that matter.
That was all. If you have made it this far, thank you. I hope to see you in next month's notes.