june notes
I am writing this sprawled on bed, laptop on my lap, listening to Stray Kids's Ex. Next to me is Murakami's Wind-up Bird Chronicles, which I recently started. On the table next to my bed, I have my journal open, where I was reflecting on my June. I am drinking a hot cup of Americano and having dark chocolate - my favorite. I spontaneously thought of sharing some notes from June with you.
I think of June as the month where I decided to take my life more seriously. Not to say I was ever a careless, unserious person. I always worked hard, but it was more like if you aim to stay alive for the long run, you need to get it together.
Thinking about it though, June was the first month I felt proud of myself since a long time. During the start of the month, I set a long list of goals for myself: exercise for 15 minutes everyday, start a blog, ease back into drawing. I was determined to do something no matter what, just out of spite of depression. My goal was ticking off at least one thing.
To an extent, that worked. Yesterday, I looked through that list again. Usually, I would feel a burst of energy during the first week of the month to complete that whole list of goals but lose interest few days later, and forget the list existed in the first place. I can safely say I pushed myself hard during June, because I ended up ticking off more than one thing.
One of the biggest highlight for me this month was starting my Bearblog. I came across this platform by pure coincidence. The idea felt too good to be true, but I immediately signed up and got to writing. I always adored writing. I wrote for online magazines when I was younger, scored straight A's in all my English classes, and wrote silly fanfictions at the age of 13. But my penchant for polishing up my sentences to perfection made writing intimidating. When I started Bearblog, I promised myself I will not agonize over the details. I will just write. The advice that most seasoned writers give - "just write" - sounded superficial, but I get it now. My goal for June was to post three times a week, and I proudly ticked that off my list.
I also learned how much I enjoy balancing out my days with work, hobbies, and sufficient rest. I intern for an oil & gas company throughout the day. In the evening, I would either post for my blog or draw out a quick sketch in charcoal. At night, I would read a book or just scroll on my phone till I fell asleep (a habit I am trying to get rid off). This is what an ideal day looks like for me. I haven't made it a routine yet, as my medication makes me drowsy and lethargic at times, but I will get there. I am also trying to leave the house more. Maybe this will be my goal for July.
I consumed a lot more media this month too. I vaguely remember reading something in the lines of the more you create, the more media you should consume. So to a better writer, it is advised to read more. For me, as I ease back into drawing again, I found myself craving to watch more films. My favorite movie this month was Monster (2023) - a movie so beautifully calibrated, it makes you forget it is a movie. I was captivated by Minato and Yori's relationship, as well as the tragic, yet beautiful open ending. Both kids sought haven from one another, away from the judgemental people around them.
I also picked up two books: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg & Wind-up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami. My progress has been slow with both of them, but I am trying to be more intentional with my reading. I had a bad habit of reading books just to finish and log them into my Goodreads. Slowing down is good.
This was also my second month on antidepressants. I am not sure how much they are working, because I still don't feel my best. My emotions are constantly blunted, and I feel like I am forcing myself to feel some kind of joy from anything. I feel lethargic throughout the day, and I have trouble falling asleep at night. Honestly? it is just been weird, and I know I should contact my psychiatrist.
June was decent overall. 1% progress, but still progress.
If you have made it this far, thank you. I will spend the rest of the day planning for July and reading my book. Maybe call a friend too.