learning to live on my own terms
One of my favorite book excerpts of all time is from Lauren Oliver's Delirium: I would rather die my way than live yours. That single line stayed with me for years, ricocheting in moments I felt myself dissolving into the weight of other people's expectations.
I've always struggled to carve a place for myself in this world. I am not sure why, but the weight of not belonging clung to me like second skin. So I learned to dilute myself, wither my intensity, blunt all the sharp edges until I could fold myself into a small, palatable version of myself that didn't take too much space.
It wasn't strictly about being a people pleaser. Not in that sense. It was more about avoiding the discomfort that came from being seen. Sometimes it's easier to disappear into a smaller, safer version of myself that will be deemed as socially acceptable, than it is to risk a judgemental glance, the subtle retreat of people around me.
I built myself a cage and, after enough years inside, I almost convinced myself that this curated, quiet version is the real me.
Maybe that's why I recall that excerpt so frequently. Because there's something worse than the fear of being rejected, ostracized, or misunderstood - and that's living your life trapped, configuring your entire existence around expectations that were never even yours.
There is courage in claiming your own life, even if that means walking away from the safety of belonging. If there's a price to pay for the freedom of living on my own terms, so be it.