looking back at 2024
I am supposed to be studying for my Advanced Reaction Engineering final as I am writing this (I planned to finish a chapter today), but my mind feels cluttered, ricochetting with a million thought: I have so much to study for finals, I'm graduating soon, I can't believe 2024 is over, what's my next step?
I have an urge to write so overwhelming, I can't focus on anything else, let alone study. My brain is too over-saturated with introspections I haven't untangled in weeks. With 2024 coming to an end, I wanted to reflect on the rollercoaster that's been this year. In a way, I am aware time is a social construct. What would change from December 31 to January 1? Still, it is worthwhile to share the highlights of this year.
In January, I started an internship in Process Safety/HSE, in the oil and gas sector. I fell in love with the discipline and immediately sought all kinds of certifications I could get my hand on. In a span of a few months, I became IOSH Managing Safely certified, obtained two Highfield qualifications, and received several certifications from AIChE SACHe's program. My interest was predominantly driven by the department manager - my mentor - whose impact on me I will carry for the rest of my life.
HSE was a transformative step in deciding what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up working from January to August. Yet again, I wasn't sure a routine office job was for me. I am someone who is in constant need for simulation and challenges or else I experience intense boredom. Back then, my mentor advised me to look into research, suggesting it would fit me more.
From March to June, I experienced a depressive episode so intense I went almost manic, destroying everything in my life that I worked hard for. That time, I knew it was time to get professional help or else I will lose myself forever. I was diagnosed with depression, symptoms of personality disorder, and was put on heavy medications that constantly drugged me out until I came back to my senses.
There was the me before this episode and me after. I will never get back to the person I used to be before, and, I will be shamelessly honest with you, I am not sure if it's for the better or worse. I think for the better though, because I finally realized what needed to be done: I needed to live in my own terms. I needed to do what I have been putting off for too long.
During that period, I randomly stumbled across Bearblog. I wholeheartedly believe the universe has laid out Bear for me to get me out of depression. I always dreamed of writing publicly but my intimidation (and poor mental health) held me back. I promised myself to write consistently for one month. If I don't stick to it, I can give in, and do so without regrets because at least I tried. I invested all my dwindled energy and passion into this project, and soon enough I had a small corner in the internet I called my own. Bearblog was my first step into recovery.
In summer, I extended my contract with my company. I interned till August. On my last day, the company threw me a surprise farewell party, that, till this day, moves me to tears. I felt so loved and accepted by the people around me. How come I wanted my life to be over when such beautiful moments exist?
In September, I visited my family overseas, which, as always, stirred all kinds of conflicting feelings. I achingly think of my childhood, of my lonely teenage years. I feel myself turning in to the helpless 16-year-old I used to be, but I am persistently working on making peace with all that happened. Visiting is something I have to do after all, even if out of obligation.
In October, I started my final year of university. Time has been flying, so I have been trying to enjoy every second. I collaboratively worked on the first part of my capstone, which I submitted just yesterday. My professor was impressed with our work and invited my group and I for a research project. More signs to go into research, I thought. It must be my calling. I am currently venturing into research in hydrogen and sustainable energy, which I am hoping to present with my group by February.
I exert more effort to designate quality time with my friends. I see my psychiatrist every two to three months, to keep my mental health in check. I draw consistently, even if it's just ugly doodles mid-class. I write and document my days as much as I can. I read more. I work more. I rest more. I think I am glad I am still alive.