notes from therapy
This is a short compilation of CBT* notes that I acquired from my psychologist. I know your problems are probably different from mine, but - who knows - I hope this helps someone out there:
-"Has anyone ever told you directly you are worthless?" My psychologist asked. I realized, while I did have my fair share of rejection as a child, I was still assuming people perceived me as worthless, and I ardently believed it, lived my life, and avoided approaching people due to that conditioning. No one is worthless in this world, not you and not me.
-"Your biggest problem remains your black and white thinking." That was also true. My emotions always existed in dichotomies - all or nothing, black or white - when life is a complicated shade of gray. (Pro-tip: Check for extreme language like always and never in your speech, when describing people, places, or feelings.)
-Introducing new behaviors and habits (or re-introducing). It is important to note that this step requires a significant amount of effort from our part. She mentions exercise, meditation, and positive affirmations.
-"You deserve to love yourself." I found that difficult to hear. Surprisingly, more difficult to hear than an insult. She said I am not a bad person. I work hard. I study hard. I help others when they need it. These are all reasons to love myself.
-Walking under the sun for 30 minutes, everyday. It is crazy how simply walking outside instead of rotting in bed all day can improve our mood. I am not consistent yet, but I will get there.
-My biggest epiphany is that I am lost in life. I need to live for myself to find myself. I need to do more of what I want to be, instead of what people want me to be. This is the way I will be able to find meaning in my life. Before my diagnosis, I always wondered why people lived. Why do they get up every morning? What is the reason they are still alive? I never realized I was constantly seeking these answers because I was depressed.
-My suffering won't stop until I stop identifying with it. The more I am attached to my self-deprecating behaviors, the more resistant I will become. I will reject everything that will separate me from that suffering, because I have become so used it, that I identified with it.
-Diversifying aspects of my life. I did not realize I lacked diversity in my life until she said it. I discovered I am too hyper-focused on studying and working, that I don't time for anything else. This behavior has been a huge contributor for my depression. I have to learn better work-life balance, by consciously dedicating time for activities besides working.
-Life is beautiful and is worth living, even if depression convinces me otherwise. There is so much to live for, she told me. I am about to graduate. I am interning in a reputable O&G company. I am a decent artist and writer. I am a lot of things, and I will become a lot of things.
This post is an oath myself, that I will break down all these repetitive behaviors that kept me within shackles and constraints. I will own my life, and I will not let depression get its way. Not anymore.
It's time to break free.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on the ideology that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are deeply interconnected. In other words, our thoughts about a situation generate certain feelings, and these feelings, in turn, lead to behaviors that influence the situation - like a cycle. Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, which consequentially emanates self-deprecating and harmful behavior. This cycle is commonly observed in people suffering from depression, like me.
CBT explores new and better-regulated patterns of feelings, thoughts, and behavior, so we can lead better lives. While the idea sounds promising, but damn did it turn out to be such hard work and effort.