on choosing to stay alive
With depression, you experience long stretches of feeling low, lying in bed paralyzed, unable to move. A depressive episode will last for days, which turn into weeks, which can turn into a month. One day you think - I want to disappear. You tell yourself dying will be better than feeling this way.
Eventually, you get so tired of depression, so sick of the twisted bullshit it keeps trying to trick you with, that you challenge yourself to do something, anything that will make you feel a tiny bit better. Because, you realize anything is better than feeling this way.
You push yourself to eat a nice meal. You connect with a friend. You listen to a song you love. You watch your comfort movie.
The bad feelings still come and go in waves. You fall back into another depressive episode. But this time, it lasts for a shorter time. A month-long episode turns into a three-week episode. Because you remember what it felt like to eat a nice meal, connect with a friend, or hear a song you love. You would do anything to experience the good feelings again.
Eventually, you tell yourself maybe I don't want to die.
Your depressive episode lasts shorter this time. A three-week episode turns into a two-week one.
Eventually, you learn that you don't want to actually die. You just don't want to live the life you are currently living. You think to yourself, in a sudden epiphany: I want something.
Day by day, your I want to die turns into I want to watch a movie, I want to talk with my friend, I want to listen to my favorite song, I want to live.
A two-week episode becomes a one-week one. Then a few days.
Slowly, you create the life you actually want to live.
Recovery isn't linear. Don't be discouraged when you fall into another bad episode. You will get up, fall back, then get up again. It will happen over and over, especially if have identified with your suffering for most of your life. The most important thing is to keep on fighting. Keep on finding your reasons to live, to create the life that you want to live.