on depression & hope
I haven’t been feeling well the past few days. I have been feverishly urging myself with tasks throughout the day so I can get my mind off things. Better be productive than dwell with my thoughts, right?
This post isn't a vent, but a candid depiction of the reality of living with depression. (And sometimes I have this strange notion, that perhaps I am helping someone out there also battling depression.)
Recently, I have been forcing myself to leave the house. Depression tries to trick me, to convince me: What will change if you go out? This happens every time I am stuck in the depression loop (as I like to call it). Out of bitterness, I would challenge myself to step out the house for two minutes, then I am free to hide back inside. But the moment I step out, I immediately feel better, and I linger for more than these two minutes.
I guess that one saying that goes nothing changes if nothing changes is brutally true. With depression, you either give in or learn to navigate it better, deploy better coping skills. If you don't change your approach, it will be difficult for things to actually improve. When I first admitted myself to therapy, I thought that a mere diagnosis would make me magically better. I did not realize how much effort on my part it requires to actually get better.
I am currently reading Kafka on the Shore, and this excerpt stuck with me: Once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you . . . managed to survive. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. Kafka was right - We will never be who we used to be before the struggle, the pain, the hurt, and so all we can do is continue to fight forward, to grow into new version of ourselves, the after.
There are the days when I suddenly go, oh, that’s why it is worth sticking around: a good conversation with a friend, a nice meal, a great book. Now I understand. The moment passes, and you might forget what that felt like. But that’s okay, because life is an abundance of such moments, of such epiphanies. They will come back.
I cling to this faith, because believing in something, even if it’s somewhere far away, keeps me going.