on planning, studying & reading
September has been a slow month. My antidepressants have been wearing me down ludicrously, and I was on the cusp of a burnout, probably from pushing myself too hard during August. But I am back from vacation. I still feel quite jet-lagged, despite the not-so-long flight.
I have been planning the rest of my September today. Meticulous planning seems to be a rigid ritual for me, whenever I feel like I am losing control of my life (thanks, depression). Monthly calendar, daily tasks, meals, habits - I log absolutely everything.
The first thing I did was book an appointment with my psychiatrist. I try to see him monthly (money is tight), but the last time I spoke with him was in July. I am looking forward to chat with him, and I am wondering if he is still displaying the little sketch I gave him on his desk. We are probably changing the prescription this time. I think my current meds are excessively weighing me down recently.
Though university does not start until a week, I have been gradually self-researching my capstone project. I managed to get my hands on potential research topics for my chemical engineering BSc. - Production of Biodiesel and Glycerol, Production of Blue Hydrogen from Natural Gas, Production of Sulfuric Acid. All sound enticing. If there is one thing I ravish, it is academic writing. Probably a strange hobby, but I find researching, annotating, and deconstructing intricate research papers absolutely fascinating. No wonder I am being pushed into the research field.
In last week's notes, I mentioned starting No Longer Human. It has been a solacing, strangely comforting read for me in these times. I wanted to share this excerpt with you:
“Now I have neither happiness nor unhappiness.
Everything passes.
That is the one and only thing that I have thought resembled a truth in the society of human beings where I have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell.
Everything passes.”
Whenever I share snippets of my life - studying, reading, planning, drawing, writing - I sometimes wonder if I am being boring or redundant. But I remind myself this is real life. I don't expect grandiose, extraordinary thing to happen everyday. Plus, I love sharing these little moments. When I revisit these blogposts years from now, I know I will feel content knowing I spent my time as well as I could.