people don't really understand depression
Most of the time, I learned, clinical depression doesn't have a reason, or in my case, it is a combination of complex reasons that is difficult to untangle and pinpoint. I also learned that most people don't really understand what depression is, or how to be there for a struggling person.
I try not to be blameful, because I know opening up about difficult topics can be difficult for the receiver, and I know the lack of appropriate responses mostly stems from ignorance. Most people lack awareness on how to react when it comes to difficult-to-navigate topics, but for once in my life, in the few times I blurted out I am struggling, both valiant yet fearful, I wish someone gave me comfort that they are here if I needed anything.
That was all I needed.
I didn't want people to fix anything in my life, when I, myself, can't seem to pinpoint the reasons. I didn't want anyone to find me solutions, or feed me with life wisdom and inspirational epiphanies about how life is so beautiful or the palpable mantra of have you tried doing yoga, eating healthy, surrounding yourself with positive people?
For healthy people, they might think that curing depression is like solving a problem. From their perspective, it seems like there is a hidden source of happiness within me that I can't seem to tap in. "You are not depressed, you just need to. . ."
Shame and self-loathe merely multiplied within me, narrating my every thought and feeling. What is making me so different from them? What is making me not see how beautiful things are? I would feel a pressure to appear better, so I don't frustrate the people around me. "Yes, I will definitely start eating healthier," I would painfully blurt out, with as much eagerness I can muster.
I think what I deduced is that only depressed people will understand what depression is really like. I believe I have finally let go of that idea that anyone will truly understand the maelstrom of shame, anguish, and apathy whirling inside me. This is not to be negative, and I do not mean to complain. Maybe there are people out there who will be here for me and for you, and we have not crossed paths with them yet. For now, though, I subject myself to low expectations when it comes to making people understand.