perfectionism is a form of shame
Perfectionism often wears the mask of high standards, ambition, discipline. It parades itself as virtue, a propriety. In reality, it is rarely about the pursuit of excellence but the terror of being perceived as inadequate. For so long, I wore my perfectionism like a badge of honor.
This was a long, onerous discussion I had with a counsellor back in my third year of engineering school. I recall my anxiousness over relentless projects, exams, deadlines that I kept procrastinating - not from laziness, but because I was mortified of doing a mediocre job. So it's either you do things perfectly or never do then at all? she would challenge me.
So, if you peel back the polished language (ambition, high standards), perfectionism becomes more about running from shame: the shame of inadequacy, failure, mediocrity. And I have grown to realize that shame is insatiable, a gnawing hunger that doesn't dissipate with achievement. No, It sharpens.
Each success resets this imaginary bar even higher, further tightening the rules and suffocatingly sharpening the inner critic. It will not reward you with peace.
Perfectionism rarely creates perfection. You procrastinate because you’re terrified of falling short. You abandon projects because they don’t live up to insurmountable standards. You spend more time frantically burying flaws than creating something authentic.
True excellence doesn’t originate from shame. It comes from courage to show up messy, to trust that your worth is not tied to your output. The antidote of shame is not flawless performance. I believe it’s self-acceptance, when you tell yourself: Even when I stumble, I am enough. I will get up again.