pursuing dreams i once abandoned
I have always been scared of putting myself out there. No, I was horrified of being perceived. Even months later writing on Bear, I still catch myself hesitatingly staring at the words I have written, the cursor lingering over the Publish button. In a sense, Bear has served as my exposure therapy. The more I share, the easier it gets, and while – over fifty posts later – the fear has considerably diminished, it still quietly lingers in the back of my mind.
I have always had big dreams too, a concrete vision of who I wanted to become. I envisioned myself running a personal website for my writing, launching an online magazine, sharing my art online, and sending my charcoal pieces to new homes. I wanted to be an all-round creative.
At 16, I earned my first $50 from freelance writing for an online magazine. I vividly recall being terrified at the thought of cold-pitching my article. Who would listen to a 16-year-old with no experience? However, when my pitch was surprisingly accepted – the editor believing there is potential – I felt euphoric. My vision almost became real.
Life had other plans, though. Raised in dire financial struggles, I was pushed into a STEM degree, urged by my parents and teachers that it would guarantee a decent future (Being an academic overachiever also intensified these expectations). Throughout my degree, I gradually became disconnected from this creative vision I had of myself. Long hours of technical coursework, ceaseless problem sets, and complex theories – I soon buried this vision of myself as a dream that I once had. Enough dreaming, I thought. I needed to face reality.
Recently, I had a friend ask me, tala, if you could start any project, what would it be? I didn’t hesitate for a mere second: I would start an online magazine. I would sell my art. I would create a website for my writings. It was almost funny, that even though I haven’t thought of these dreams in a long time, buried under years of rigorous studying, they were still right there within me. These were not just distant dreams I once abandoned. No, these are real, tangible goals – ones that still made my heart race. Ones that I should still pursue, despite the fears, despite people’s expectations.
I realized that, despite everything, I still wanted to make them true.
Few days ago, I finished The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, and two excerpts moved me: If you didn’t love the project that is terrifying you, you wouldn’t feel anything. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. and Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us. . .
I have big plans for the rest of 2025. I want to post more art, create a personal website, write more – grand ideas that I want to share. But more than anything, I want to approach life like a game, not one of aimless fun, but one of perpetual exploration, experimentation, and venturing into uncharted waters despite the looming anxiety. It will always be there anyway, won’t it?
I wasn’t planning on posting today. In fact, I wrote this on a whim, and I am certain the post reads quite incoherently. Still, if you made it this far, consider this your sign to start what you have been putting off for so long.