RE: closing my loops & summer recently
There is a defiant friction between me and words that I haven't experienced in a long time, as I write (force out) this entry. I avoid naming this fear, but sometimes, naming it becomes the first step to loosen its grip - What if I can never write again? What if I lost my words somewhere in all the chaos of the past two months?
For 2026, I set myself the goal of consistency (four to five Bear posts per month), but life doesn't align with your perfectly constructed plans. Often, you're swept along by a whirlwind of unexpected events, and peaceful acceptance becomes less a choice and more a requisite practice. I used to ruminate over every broken routine as evidence of some moral failing, proof that I can't maintain iron discipline. Now I let it mean that things don't always go my way, but it'll still be okay.
In April, I wrote about closing opened loops, the unresolved matters we leave buzzing in the background to inattentively drain us. I was determined to close some big ones for May and June, and looking back, I think I did: After a year of ceaseless job search, I secured my first engineering job and experienced a specific kind of relief, a safety net in a suffering economy. I issued a hefty certification in my intended field (I procrastinated that for a year!). I finished major edits for a research manuscript I previously drafted for a journal publication. I started focusing on large-scale drawing and got my dream laptop to unleash all my overflowing creativity.
These days, I'm giving myself a well-deserved, guilt-free break. I spend long hours by the beach with friends, tanning and soaking in water like a form of prayer. I attend poetry readings and literature gatherings, with a discussions on Sophocles' Antigone being a recent one. I'm currently making my way through Fitzgeralds' Tender is the Night and finally returning to my journals, commonplace, and blog despite the aforementioned friction. Maybe closing my old loops will only ever make room for new ones, but for now, I'm choosing to immerse myself in gratitude - for everything I've worked for and everything I've reached.