sometimes i wish depression was a physical illness
It's from my experience that people are a lot more sympathetic when they can actually see you hurting. For the millionth time in my life, I wished depression manifested like the flu or some other recognizable disease, just to make it simple for me and for the people around me.
How much easier would it be if mental illness were physical - visible and tangible? A runny nose and a sore throat - people would understand. They would offer me tissues, a warm cup of tea, and a sympathetic get well soon. But a shitty compilation of mental symptoms and an even shittier chemical make up? How do I explain an intangible pain?
What can I say, anyway? Sometimes I feel like I am carrying around a heavy suitcase full of sadness everywhere that I go. The smallest task feels impossible. Everything is dull yet heavy, all at once. Everything matters too much yet nothing matters. Anything would be easier to explain than what's really going on.
I think this topic further resonates with me as someone with high-functioning depression. I recall an attempt to open up about my state with a close friend, who reacted with amusement and disbelief, as if I was exchanging lighthearted banter. But you are so put together, Tala. You are successful, ace tests, and excel at work - it must be a misdiagnosis.
I was overwhelmed with shame that later transformed into rage. I found it impossible to articulate the depth of pain - that yes, I am waking up everyday, leaving bed, fulfilling my obligations. But I am still struggling, still fighting a relentless battle with the energy I have left.
And there are millions of us suffering a silent, invisible battle against our mental illnesses, while we present a facade of normalcy to world. Because sometimes silence is the easier option.