the past few months
I attempted to draft this post over three times. I am feeling quite rusty, and - if I am being honest - scared. Can I write again after all this time? Can I still churn out purposeful, coherent sentences from thoughts I haven't untangled since February?
At the end of the day, this post just has to exist, right? How else do I get back on the swing of things if I don't write? It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to exist - I countlessly remind myself as my fingers hover over the keyboard in reluctance.
Avoiding writing hasn't been intentional. Never was, never will. It was my last term in university, and even though I promised myself to balance studying and Bear, I have pertinently failed. Here is a quick trip down the memory lane from February till today.
In mid-February, I started my graduation project. I was spending endless hours in the library - sometimes from 8 am till 10 pm, five days a week - exploring aisles and aisles of engineering books. I would pick out four, five books, messily pile them on a desk, and read through them one by one, searching for that bit of missing information I needed. Pages of crisp, yellowing paper fluttering under my fingers as I scanned indexes, chapters, references. Days flew by.
In March, I celebrated by 24th birthday. When I was younger, the thought of making it past 18 seemed intangible, out of reach. I struggled with staying alive and finding things to fight for. On the 20th of March, I had the revelation that I am still here, alive, breathing, standing on my own feet. To 15-year-old me, you did well.
April and May were endless meetings with my supervisor, group work for three different subjects, and final exams. Engineering has its way of reminding me how much I still have yet to learn. I was on the cusp of burn out, and I recall, once at 3 am, opening Bear in anguish, in hopes I would feel better if I wrote. I would desperately stare at the blank page for a few minutes. No words ever came out of me.
Two days ago, I graduated. This is something that will take time to process, how five years of grueling coursework and challenging modules swiftly passed by. In a way, I am relieved, even as happy as one could be. Not about graduating, but at the time I will finally have for myself, for my creative endeavors. There is a lot I want to create. There is a lot I want to share with you.