Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?
Today, I went book hunting by myself (there is a charity bookstore around here that sells used paperbacks for $2), treated myself to an expensive coffee by myself, and took a taxi home by myself. I spent the rest of the day reading. By myself.
By myself - This is how I spend most of my days. Alone. I am good at being alone, so good at it until I remember what it's like to be loved and understood, and then I ache, a loneliness viciously stabs through me, like a sharp, sharp knife, twisting and turning. Its roots creep into my bones, a million times bigger than I am, and takes over in the most odd of times - as on my way back home today.
Sitting in the backseat of a taxi, the driver blaring some upbeat tune from the radio, and thinking, God, I am so lonely, my feelings a juxtaposition to the music. I couldn't help it. I felt so lonely.
My loneliness does not emanate from having no people around me. To me, loneliness stems from being unable to communicate what I really feel. Everything I want to say, everything aching inside me, I swallow.
These feelings have especially exacerbated after I was diagnosed with depression (I know I bring this topic up a lot, but it's been a defining period of my life, knowing what's wrong with me after years). I felt there was no one who understood what it's like for me - the violent sadness, anguish, fatigue. When I tried to explain my situation, I felt I was speaking a foreign language. I felt like I was constantly trying to communicate something that cannot be communicated through words. I hated the confused faces of people, the awkward texts.
In anguish, I learned my lesson and sought silence instead.
But this silence wells up, and it molds into an unexplainable wave of isolation, a loneliness that wells and wells and wells and eventually spills all over. I hold this loneliness like I would hold a hand.
Why did I have to be this lonely? Why do I experience a profound sense of longing for someone to understand me, but never actually having that? (Isn't it embarrassing sometimes, when the yearning shows?)
I desire for someone and I wait.