you need to disappoint the people around you
I have been pondering the glorification of selflessness, when we are conditioned to equate being likable to being an agreeable, ceaselessly over-accommodating person. While we are inherently wired for approval, being liked somehow became some kind of moral achievement.
This was probably the most preeminent epiphany (and a slap to my face) I unraveled through therapy and my writing practice. A part of me knew I've carefully curated a digestible version of myself to appease my desire for external validation. At that time, I actually called it "emotional intelligence," when, in reality, shape-shifting to sustain peace is a cruel form of self-abandonment, not a sign of emotional maturity.
Relationships dependent on your constant self-erasure are not relationships. They are transactions. Yes, this includes family. I grew up with hard-working immigrant parents who valued security over my dreams: Study hard. Pick a safe career. Don't question authority. That often meant trading pieces of myself for approval, to fit their version of "success."
I've accepted that disappointing them is inevitable if I want to fully live for myself. This will be the cost of becoming a real person and not a performance.
Did you feel uncomfortable saying No for the first time? Sit with it. Let your body realize that honesty doesn't equal danger. You can't be fully yourself and fully pleasing simultaneously. Something has to break: their perception of you or your relationship with yourself.